I’ve been hesitant to write recently. There are many reasons. I’m busy with my now-ten-month-old baby boy. There is a lot happening in our world right now that many people have been writing great thoughts about.
All I want to write about is how I was reminded of the Gospel recently. It’s so strange, you know? You would think the Gospel is a truth that you grab, put in your pocket and go on your way with it in your pocket. But in my sinful grasp, the Gospel is a slippery soap bar that keeps slipping out of my clenched fingers and then I leave it somewhere while I hold tightly onto…nothing. Or nothing important.
Maybe you can relate to this. For a while, I was enjoying a time of focused prayer and Scripture reading every day. I was taking notes and highlighting and making all these connections. I was practicing listening prayer and memorizing Scripture. I listened to audiobooks by pastors on my walk and Christ-centered podcasts while I cooked dinner. All of these are good things. But I began to go down this slippery slope.
I hate telling you this because it exposes the ugliness and darkness inside. Someone would share that they were struggling with wanting to read God’s word, I would smugly think to myself that I didn’t struggle with this. Someone said they had trouble praying, and I thought about how disciplined and devoted my prayer life was. I know what you’re thinking because looking back I’m thinking it too.
I. Am. An Idiot.
Lately I’ve started to get really busy and those important things went on the back burner. predictably, I began to believe God loved me less or was angry with me because I wasn’t doing all the right things. I think that’s when my false belief really struck me. Every day in my prayer, I would confess that I thought I might be self-righteous. But the extent of my self-righteousness suddenly hit me on the head when God revealed that I thought doing these things was saving me. It’s works-based righteousness. Yup, Same ole false gospel that Paul addresses when he tells the Galatians, “I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting him who called you in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel—not that there is another one.”
You feel really good about yourself when you are doing “all the right things.” What I needed was to be hit with the reality of my sin. That does NOT feel good. Then I needed to see how much I needed Jesus. That still does not feel good, because I thought I was self-sufficient. It feels good when you look at yourself with disgust and wonder what on earth you’ve been doing, and Jesus tells you that you are an idiot, but he loves you anyway.
Isn’t it strange? I was soaking myself in the Gospel & preaching it to myself daily, and still ended up blind to it. Still living in smug self-righteousness.
I am reminded of Brennan Manning’s book “The Ragamuffin Gospel,” in which he relates a conversation he had with a woman who very ashamedly asked him how to pray. He asked her when she prayed, and she sheepishly said she prayed before meals. With a great deal of pompousness, he begins to brag about how much and how often he prays. That night God speaks to him and reminds him that the very desire to pray is a miraculous gift from God! We can’t take credit for anything. The very fact that we know God at all is from him.
I receive salvation as a beggar, not someone who can afford to make the choice. And I’m traveling with other beggars, and we all should be living in amazement of the gift we’ve received. It’s like a homeless person being made the CEO of a company and getting every luxury that goes with it. My roles in life should reflect my utter gratitude and astonishment at being given such a free gift. I should walk in humility when those around me struggle, knowing that we are all saved by grace alone, that we have the victory and yet we are desperately needy for God to help us overcome every obstacle.
Kim's Inconvenience 